“Hey, let’s not sell Sanchez short! Ever hear that ’85 percent of life is showing up?’ Well for our powerful friend it’s 100% showing up! This morning, Sanchez did, in fact, meet with the leaders of Syria, Lebanon, and the UAE to ease tensions, however, all of his talking points were scripted by PAINN, then sent directly to his ocular implants. So, all day, he is in and out of meetings, giving his input, compliments of PAIN. Like an actor on set.”
“…Ocular implants?”
“Ha! You didn’t think those Hollywood twinklers were natural, did you? The day after inauguration, Sanchez underwent eye surgery so that he can be visually connected to PAINN at all times. This means wherever he goes, he has access to all the information he needs literally right in front of him. And only he can see it.”
“And he just rolls with it?”
“Pretty much. I mean the reason these guys get into politics in the first place is to feed their egos. Sanchez is still the face of our country”
. “Sachez told you personally he’s happy about this whole thing? What if he decides to rebel?”
“So, the thing is…none of us have actually ever met President Sanchez. There is another team, however, that deals with any problems that President Sanchez’s ego might present. From what I hear, it would not behoove Sanchez to resist our mission. As I understand it, however, he is very pleased with his day-to-day.”
Harry senses the first tinge of darkness this operation suggests. Nevertheless, he is not comfortable pursuing that subject any further.“Ok, and when you say this thing gets fed data, like what kind of data are we talking about?”
“Great question! Basically, PAINN is provided with everything a man could know and more. Much more. Let’s start with something fundamental. Ever hear the expression ‘those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it?’ Well, we make sure that PAINN knows her history! And oh boy, does she! I’m talking thousands upon thousands of years of American History, world history, religious history, war, environmental calamities, civil rights , you name it!
“I’m sure you’re probably wondering how we select data, prioritize that data, and adjust that data, Well, that’s where our crew comes in…”
He walks over and places his hands on the shoulders of the old, tough Irishman. “Rooney here, is our official Historian. We follow his guidelines for how to prioritize our data, and what precisely we should learn from such data. Thanks to Rooney, PAINN, with his historical wisdom, puts any Rhodes Scholar to shame.” Rooney simply nods his head in acknowledgement of Abe’s characterization of him.
“We use tons of legislative information such as statutes, codes, regulations, ordinances. We also use historical textbooks and scholarly articles by credited authors.
“But we would be remiss if we just stuck our heads in the past! We also make sure PAINN is up to date on current events. Pain is also continuously making fetches to live data from all over the world so that it can perform most appropriately in today’s times. You’d be surprised what factors we need-weather forecasts, food shortage data, carbon emissions. PAINN even summons millions of articles online, including conspiracy theories, to gauge the emotional climate of the country and sense the demands of the people.
“And of course, we have to make sure we can ensure the security of our nation, and PAINN is no scrub when it comes to thwarting terrorist plans. All of the sensitive intel gathered by the FBI and CIA are sent directly to PAINN, so that he can automatically generate plans of action. With his impressively connected network, PAINN directs various agencies to dispatch hundreds of agents by the hour to spring to action and combat any serious threats that come our way. She can even notify the local police in say, Fargo, North Dakota with an anonymous tip, if she finds it necessary. Can you imagine? An anonymous tip coming from the president!”
The accomplished psychiatrist suddenly feels immensely inadequate in the presence of this inanimate object. Perhaps it is inappropriate to use the phrase ‘inanimate object.’ Nonetheless, he does his best to keep up. “Ok, and when you say prioritize the data…?”
“Well” continues Abe, “Obviously anything written has some level of bias. Including documents. So we do our best to scrub those biases out. That’s where our very talented Doctor Brown comes in.”
Abe aims his eyes across the room towards Doctor Brown. Soon all eyes are on her. She does not explicitly return the compliment, but decides to oblige Abe by entertaining the room, “I am what is known as a data hygienist..” She has a solemn, calming voice. “As mentioned, data that comes our way can be,,,tricky…so what we have to do is create algorithms to filter out as much bias as we can. Ever hear the expression ‘garbage in, garbage out’? That is essentially what we do…we clean the data. This is of course, in addition to my job as the Artificial Neurologist. By now, I’m sure you get the picture that PAINN’s structure is very similar to that of a human brain. So, I have been the primary architect of the neural network.” She nods her head to indicate that she is done. The fashionista to her right, however, opens his mouth before Abe can re-establish control of the classroom.
“I’m just gonna get this out of the way.” Saigon’s voice is as smooth and charming as that of James Bond. “I’m the worldview trainer. I make sure that PAINN is aware of current events, like Abe mentioned, and that PAINN is culturally considerate and diplomatic. Sanchez has to meet with hundreds of people a week: foreign leaders, ambassadors, politicians…Rabbis. And since PAINN scripts all of his meetings, we have to make sure he’s ready. Same goes for the president’s social media accounts.”
“With seven different languages under his belt, past diplomatic positions from four different countries, and friends all over the world, ” Abe the proud mother adds, “Saigon is more than qualified to grant PAINN some bedside manners.”
“…And you’re the main coder?”
Abe takes this assumption as the highest of compliments. “Precisely! None of this, however, would be possible without Lenny.” The mysterious figure, sitting on the table and organizing the same M &M’s, does not bother to look up. “Although I have a deep passion for numbers, I do not come close to Lenny’s expertise as our official mathematician. In order to digest all of Doctor Brown’s, Mr. Rooney’s, and Saigan’s instructions of incorporating data, we must communicate to PAINN in the form of algorithms. So, for example, Rooney might have something to say on war strategies in history: which kinds of texts are relevant, and what we should learn from them. He sits down with Lenny for a few hours, and our curly-haired friend here takes a number 2 pencil and translates a juicy lecture into an equation of pure, solid-gold! A single equation that can extract trillions of bits of information from appropriate databases and then outputs valuable, dynamic, new information. So, this equation gets turned over to me, and I turn it into code for PAINN to handle. He does a similar process with Saigan so that we have the right equations for diplomacy and with Doctor Brown so that we have the mathematical recipe to clean data and a healthy, artificial brain. The only one that can construct nearly such impressive equations, is PAINN himself! After years of learning from Lenny and myself, PAINN has become able to write his own complex algorithms to augment himself!”
Lenny remains staunch in his ability to ignore everyone in the room and focus on his candy masterpiece. Some of the M &Ms are stacked on top of each other, others lay flat on the table in the forms of different shapes-triangles, squares, circles, trapezoids. The shapes and stacks are connected by different lines, also made out of M&Ms, at calculated angles. It is unclear what such a beautiful mind could mean by this architecture, but one cannot help but wonder. Is it code for another algorithm to be fed into PAINN? An advanced atomic bomb?? Or, maybe this is his form of simple artistic expression.
“I also don’t need a Kindergarten introduction.” Harry turns to his left and finds the fierce, enticing Maria twirling her hair and looking back at him. “I’m the mechanical engineer. You know, the only handy one here. I wouldn’t trust any of you fuckers to plunge my toilet.”
Harry gulps. He cannot say for sure if he is more attracted to this woman or intimidated by her. Both feelings, however, amplify each other. He musters the confidence to direct a question at her. “So, you built PAINN?”. He figures now is a good a time as any to try out the name.
“Pretty much, design and build.” She then proceeds to casually check her nails, signifying that she finds no need to embellish her accomplishment or give into any form of Pockley’s flattery.
Abe accepts Maria’s input and regains control of the room. “Yes, Maria physically put together PAINN from different computer parts and machinery that we have gotten from all over the world.“
Harry manages to squeeze out another question, “Well, I’ve just never seen anything like this before. What kind of computer exactly is…PAINN?”
“A super, quantum computer.” A new voice this time. Soft, yet confident. It’s coming from M & M world! “The only of its kind, worth more than the GDP of ten different countries combined.”
To be continued…
