Doctor Pockley returns a most incredulous look. “What do you mean I have to psychoanalyze this…thing?!”
“Come now Doctor. You must know that Robopsychologist is a recognized and established profession. They usually help design and adjust the cognitive architecture of the computer while implementing ethical tendencies and addressing any maladaptive machine behavior. For the past few years, Doctor Brown has served as our resident Robopsychologist. While Doctor Brown has done a remarkable job, development has rendered her role too…machine-based. Since PAINN has reached an unprecedented level of artificial intelligence and seems to think like a human, it is only logical we treat him like a human.”
“It was actually my suggestion” Doctor Brown volunteers, adjusting her glasses. “PAINN’s intelligence and her constantly improving framework at this point is sort of a black box. It is impossible for us to monitor all of her neural networks at any given moment in time. Now that PAINN has reached this point of, for a lack of a better word, humanity, analyzing her just as a computer, even a complex one, would be negligent. We must supplement our machine learning updates with an in-depth psychoanalytical assessment of PAINN’S psyche. This way we can fully anticipate the intentions of our de facto president and adjust her programming accordingly.”
“Okay…so what kind of questions do you want me to ask?”
“Hello!” Maria scoffs. “What the Hell do you think you’re getting paid for? You gotta conjure up those things yourself, Doc. Unless this was a total waste of time, I just sat through another one of Abe’s dumb-ass lectures for nothing, and by the time you’re replaced by someone who knows what they’re doing, you’ll probably have a bullet in your head.”
Harry’s heart skips a beat. He now soberly understands the true state of his situation: trapped. There is no going back now. His only chance of survival is to do the work (whatever that may be) to the best of his ability. He knows it. They know it. And they know he knows it. Doctor Pockley, resigned to his situation, looks for the silver lining; after all this is a unique opportunity that any psychiatrist would jump at.
“Maria!” Abe admonishes. “How is that kind of talk going to help him?” He turns to Harry. “You know what, it’s a fair question. Just treat him as you would any other patient you’re getting acquainted with. Just keep in mind the goal is to understand PAINN’s developing humanity, so that we can make sure he is on track and following his programming.”
Harry professionally responds. “Are you suggesting that PAINN sentient?”
“Very good question…Um…no. While PAINN is very impressive in her ability to incorporate past experience into her improvement algorithms as well as her ability to perceive nuanced information, such as human emotions, she falls short of sentient standards in that she cannot feel the way a human, or an animal for that matter, does. But, please don’t just start kicking her! Take my word for it!”
“Abe” Saigon offers, “if you ever decide to get it on with this thing, use protection.”
“It’s probably too late for that.” Maria holds back her laughter. “You ever notice how Abe is always the last one to lock up?”
The room fills with laughter. Even Abe, perhaps to shield his chagrin, joins in on the laughter. Harry chuckles, however is more absorbed in thought about the clashing personalities of this team. He could have a field day with any one of them sitting in the patient sofa of his office. However, there is no need to think about that, for his job now does not involve scrutinizing humans anymore. He stares at his prospective patient who is making the same swishing sounds that greeted him on the way in. Now, those sweet sounds, however, carry a more anthropomorphic feel.
The laughter subsides. “Well” Abe says, “I would imagine you prefer talking to PAINN verbally, as you are used to. Is that right?”
“What? You mean he can talk?”
“Of course-I’m just a coder at heart, so I enjoy interacting with PAINN via the keyboard. But PAINN is equipped with a sophisticated verbal interface. Watch.” Abe clears his throat and turns towards the machine. “PAINN, how was your day today?”
The screen now displays frequency graphs that track audio output. A smooth, soft, ominous voice emits from the speakers.
“Hi Abe. Considering I eased tensions with the middle east as well as successfully intercepted three terrorist attacks, I would say, not too bad. How are you doing?”
“Great! Thanks for asking, buddy!”
“That voice…” Harry ponders out loud. “I know it from somewhere. Where do I know it from?”
“Hal! From 2001 a Space Odessy! How great is that? We’ve actually recently implemented this feature to add some color to PAINN…and to have a little fun.”
“Man, I told you. You gotta chill with this ‘we’ shit” Maria adds. “As long as it doesn’t sound like my ex-husband, I’m good.”
Abe dismissively waves his arm in her direction. “Boy I could watch that movie five twenty times over! We also implemented Fran Drescher’s voice, you know from The Nanny? Just to play around with some extreme voice dimensions-if that would work better for you?”
Unsure of the seriousness of this question, Harry answers anyway. “Uhm, no…I think Hal should do.”
“Great! Well, no need to waste any more time.” Abe motions to the rest of the gang as they head towards the steel hexagon to exit the room. “We’ll be back in an hour. Best we respect your doctor-patient confidentiality-just please take notes for us. We look forward to your observations.”
Harry watches his hosts leave the room as he realizes that “confidentiality” was merely used as a formality. The conversation will surely be recorded. and there is nothing he can do about it… Suddenly Harry finds himself half alone. He looks up at the monitor and struggles to find the right words for this unprecedented session.
“Hello…PAINN.”
The ominous voice reciprocates. “Hello Doctor Pockley. It is truly an honor.”
To be continued…
